Note: This is the third in a series of short posts written nearly a year ago - February 25th, 2016 - two days before my 37th birthday; the same day I started secretly writing and this blog was just a scary dream. Reading over the words again, there's not much I would change, just thankful for God-given courage, a husband who sees me greater than I do myself and prodding friends who helped me to be brave. (You can read the first and second posts here & here .)
This is Lucy. Her name means "light". Lucy was an unexpected gift, but she is a LIGHT.
After a span of incredibly difficult and personally painful years, Lucy's entrance into our lives brought a joy, a lightness to our everyday that we didn't anticipate.
We didn't know we needed her, but God did.
Her arrival brought a change of direction for our whole family, it has allowed me to shed light into dark places, begin to repair broken things and take a step back to see my life in a better perspective, to look at the whole and see things more clearly than ever before.
Sometimes when God asks us to hit pause or even take a step back, it's because He knows that in that moment, the act of stepping back, that is when we learn how to move forward.
I've come to realize just how hard it is to keep track of who you are, it is really hard. In this modern, fast paced age of high expectations and glittery images of how your life “should be”, there is a blur between what really is you and what you want to be. And while being a mother is a job without value, it is incredibly demanding. There are so many little ones and big ones needing every bit of you that it leaves precious little time to really find out who you are.
But YOU are important - you are created on purpose, with purpose, for a purpose.
I am finding myself 16 years into marriage, 3 children, closing in on my 40s and I am just getting back to myself - a place I left in college. How is that even possible? Surely not how I thought life would be. In many ways the last 15 years have felt like someone pushed the fast forward button on life - all I can remember are the fuzzy lines, the blurred images - but I can’t stop it long enough to evaluate, replay, pick up the details.
I got lost somewhere behind that fast forward button...and I've missed so much.
I've missed being intentional in my thoughts, actions, words.
I've missed having time to be reflective, to evaluate.
I've missed writing, taking the time to document my life, my heart and what is happening in and around me.
And you know what? All those muscles have become so weak from neglect that exercising them is actually painful - so I haven’t - it's just been easier to let those things go. But it’s time. It’s time to put in the work, time to flex those muscles, time to build them again. I know that doing so will improve my life more than I can imagine. But it’s going to take discipline and it's going to require faith. But that's the moment that intention turns into action - just when the pull becomes stronger that the fear of pain.
What about you?
Are you in a moment of pause? or even a step back? Is this time molding you, shaping you, changing the charted course of your life? What ideas, thoughts, dreams have you left behind the fast forward button of life?
I pray your moment of pause would bring about the most positive change in direction.